fill in the blank, part 2

we drive most of the way in silence. i’m wrapped up in my head, as usual.

i can’t stop thinking about her.

“you should try and get some sleep,” my dad says. i can tell he’s tired. i don’t know how he’s doing this.

“i can drive for a while if you want,” i say.

“nah, i’m ok,” he says. “i just need more coffee."

----

he was drunk. high maybe. i couldn't tell exactly what had him so rattled this night. the only thing apparent was his disdain for my mother and his need to show her physically how terrible he found her.

i hated her boyfriend.

when he started hitting her while the three of us sat on the couch, it was quiet. at twelve, there's not much you can do to stop a grown man from doing what he wants. not that kind of man. i tried to keep my eyes on the tv and block her cries, but there's only so much you can do to keep it from getting in.

when he rose from the couch, her hair in his hands, she rose, too. he took her to the back bedroom, both of them unaware of my presence.
the sounds coming from inside the walls intensified as he moved from hitting her to throwing her. BOOM against the wall. BOOM against the other wall.

cries. screams.

grunts of triumph.

i moved cautiously like those idiots in horror movies toward the opened bedroom door. i could see him on top of her on the bed, his hands around her neck as she struggled.

i was frozen.

his face started to turn toward mine and i ran into the bathroom, cowering between the toilet and the bathtub and held my breath.

i watched a roach crawl across the floor and wished for its freedom.

----

we pull off to a gas station on the side of the highway. he starts the pump and goes inside, as i pull out my phone and look through my history for the hospital’s number. we haven’t had an update in several hours. i dial the number and sigh as it rings.

“hi," i say and give my name the the nurse who answers. “i’m just calling to check in on how my mom is doing." i fully expect them to say that she’s fine and start to prepare myself to get pissed off because we’re three hours into the trip and she'll be fine.

“about the same,” she says. “i have to tell you — i really hope you decided to come.” my stomach drops.

“uh,” I falter. “i — yes, we’re on our way. we left a few hours ago.” what does she mean?

“good,” i can hear her actually sigh with relief. “that was a good decision.”

“why?” i ask. “i thought you said she was the same?”

“she is,” she says. “but i didn’t say that was good.”

----

on the last night of my weeklong visit with her in tennessee, i styled her hair a new way. not that i knew much of fashion at 19 -- i was never that kind of girl -- but i'd wanted to play with her hair. and she'd wanted me to, too. it was the first time we'd ever wanted the same thing.

shyly, carefully, slowly, we sat. i swept her hair this way, that way, up, down. i settled on bangs and she agreed. i cut. she smiled. it felt normal.

that night, we pulled out the bed from inside the sofa, covered ourselves with blankets and talked. made jokes no one else laughed at. giggled like children. it was the only time we ever laughed together. she was funny. witty. she found me the same.

i felt old enough. finally. we could talk without me feeling hurt, left out, childish. a burden. i was leaving without her in the morning to go back to my own life, also without her. she was in my life as much as i allowed, and i didn't stay by the phone waiting to be included on her schedule. we laughed for hours. it felt normal.

it was the last time i saw her conscious. the memory of it still burns. if only she hadn't died ... how many more nights of this might we have had? 

----

part 1

fill in the blank, part 1

it was such a lovely day.

that's what i remember most clearly about the before.

driving to work with my windows down on an unusually warm winter day, i sang country at the top of my lungs and believed every word.

it was a great day to be alive.

my phone rang from the passenger side and i glanced at the screen. an unknown number flashed on the front, but i answered because why not?

she was in the hospital.

dying, apparently.

i pulled into work and stared at a blue sky.

----

i used to watch her for hours when she didn’t know i was there. quiet as a mouse, small as a whisper, i would hide around corners, behind chairs, anything i could do just to watch her. if i did it just right, she never even knew i was there. 

she was so different when she was by herself. 

from her doorway, i stood watching her sitting in her bed, propped up with pillows, tucked into blankets, carefully hemming some clothes. she had nimble fingers and a creative mind that allowed her to make the best halloween witches from scraps of fabric, or angels from tea cloths. 

today, it was mundane. mending clothes. but she did it with precision. a steady hand holding a thin needle, moving swiftly and smoothly along the lines. 

i must have made a noise or a small movement, because her eyes flew up to mine. 

she smiled. i felt warm. 

“come here,” she said, and beckoned me beside her. 

i flew to her side as she moved the covers to let me snuggle next to her. 

“want to learn to sew?” she asked. 

this is what heaven feels like. 

the love of a mother.

----

he said he didn’t trust me to drive myself, so my dad drove from fort worth to waco to take me to tennessee.

to her.

i packed a small bag with a blow dryer, makeup, a few text books, pens and a random assortment of clothes.

what else, i wondered, would i need?

but i knew what else.

i knew the if.

i walked to my closet and was for once grateful for my slight OCD. my clothes hung in perfect color blocks from black to white.

i only needed the black.

----

it was supposed to have been my weekend with her. 

i'd only seen her three times in the last year since they divorced, yet her boyfriend's daughter, beth, was there every saturday. to make up for breaking my heart, she tried to bribe me by letting me name one of the kittens that had just been born at her house. 

there were three — one white with a black spot on its nose, one black with a white paw and a red tabby. she said i could pick any of them to name.

i knew she’d been drinking. her speech was slurred and her reactions were much too slow. i could almost smell the alcohol through the phone. i suppose she thought her odds were good that out of three, i wouldn’t pick the black one — the one i wanted to call moonbeam. 

but i did.

“you can’t name him,” she said. “beth named him blackie.”

blackie. ok. unoriginal and obvious, but fine.

“wait — beth is there?” i asked. “i thought you said you couldn’t get me because your car broke down.”

silence.

“it broke after we got her.”

“so, she got to see the kittens be born?” 

don’t cry. don’t cry. don’t show her that this hurts you. she doesn’t deserve to see that this hurts you.

“yeah, and she really liked blackie,” she said. “and snowball.”

“she named two of the cats?” 

i’m stuck with the tabby? she said i could name any of them, but what she meant was, i get the tabby? beth gets two, but i get the tabby.

“well, no, i named the white one,” she said. “rick calls the other one scout, but i told him that you get to name him.”

“but you said i could name any of them,” i whispered. if i spoke quietly, she wouldn’t hear me cry. 

“don’t you give me that shit, caressa,” she hissed. “it’s a damn cat. you can call it whatever the hell you want when you’re here. beth won’t always be around here when we get you and cats don’t know their fucking names anyway. it’s a cat. shit.”

----

we drove all night to get to her, stopping only for coffee, gas and restrooms along the way.

i don't know how my dad stayed awake, refusing to let me drive and insisting i get more sleep. as i laid there, tapping my fingers against the glass and staring at the ink black sky, i felt the swells of anger rise and calm within me. 

she's so dramatic.

she's just doing this for attention.

i'm going to drive all this way, i thought, get to her bedside and find her eating jello and watching daytime tv. meanwhile, i'll have missed three of my midterms and the chance to see a really cute boy in my thursday class. 

and for what? an impromptu roadtrip with my dad in the middle of february? there are better ways to get me to talk to you, mom.